{"id":155941,"date":"2026-07-04T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2026-07-04T19:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/xira.com\/p\/2026\/07\/04\/the-secret-science-of-mingling-for-lawyers\/"},"modified":"2026-07-04T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2026-07-04T19:00:00","slug":"the-secret-science-of-mingling-for-lawyers","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/xira.com\/p\/2026\/07\/04\/the-secret-science-of-mingling-for-lawyers\/","title":{"rendered":"The Secret Science of Mingling for Lawyers"},"content":{"rendered":"

Networking is terrifying and dumb. Good news: Bull Garlington is here with a list of proven behaviors and tricks he’s deployed in the field (or brazenly pilfered from experts) to get you over the hump.
\nThe post The Secret Science of Mingling for Lawyers appeared first on Articles, Tips and Tech for Law Firms and Lawyers.<\/p>\n

Networking is rough. Unnatural, even for the most sociable lawyers. Everybody hates it, but these proven mingling techniques can help you get past your fears.<\/strong><\/p>\n

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Trust me, the loudest, most gregarious person you know has a hard time walking into a room full of strangers and starting a conversation. <\/strong>I know this because I am the loudest person you know, and when I\u2019m forced to network, a frigid column of fear plunges through me. I want to curl up under a table and wait for them to clear the room and shut the lights off so I can go home.<\/p>\n

This is weird because, much like you, part of my job is public speaking, and I am very often in a room full of strangers with the requirement that I \u2026 my God, I can barely say it \u2026 with the requirement that I engage in mingling.<\/em><\/p>\n

Mingling Is Unnatural<\/h2>\n

For those people who would prefer to stay in their office with their headphones on, getting work done instead of talking to strangers, and those who are terrified they\u2019ll reach out to shake a stranger\u2019s hand but instead stab them in the spleen, I got you.<\/p>\n

As an extroverted introvert, I suffer from the worst of both worlds. I\u2019m biverted. As much as I am liable to climb on a chair and street preach about comma use (there are witnesses), I\u2019m just as likely to stand against the wall, hoping someone will rescue me.<\/p>\n

Even when I am the main speaker, I have to kick my anxious inner introvert in the ass so I can shake hands, make small talk and work the room before I climb on stage to pretend I\u2019m not petrified.<\/p>\n

I had to get over my panic to do my job, and I\u2019m here with a list of proven behaviors and tricks that I have deployed in the field or brazenly pilfered from experts to get you over the hump.<\/p>\n

Fear of mingling hits you with three distinct moments of pure terror: the approach, making small talk, and the graceful exit.<\/a><\/p>\n

Caveat:<\/strong> I want you to know something it took years for me to learn: Nobody is looking at you. Don\u2019t believe me? Here\u2019s a picture of a girl on the subway with a raven<\/a>\u00a0on her knee. No one is looking at her. The guy right next to her isn\u2019t looking at her. This is true all the time, but it\u2019s especially true when you\u2019re at networking things. People are looking at their phones, over the shoulder of the person they\u2019re talking to, at the food. They don\u2019t even know you\u2019re there. This is the warm protection of anonymity.<\/em><\/p>\n

The Approach<\/h2>\n

The approach is the worst part. It\u2019s terrible because you\u2019ve been sweating over it for the entire Uber to the party, and now you\u2019re cowering on the sidewalk with your purse held up like a shield.<\/p>\n

Do this:<\/p>\n

1. Walk into the room<\/h3>\n

Don\u2019t stop in the doorway. Don\u2019t mosey. Walk in like you own the joint and target a destination. The bar is a great place to start, and so is the buffet. Walk right to it, tuck into a shrimp plate and chill.<\/p>\n

Better yet, if you have a friend or a colleague in the room, you\u2019ve got an in. Make that person your destination. Just stroll up to them and say, \u201cWhat\u2019s up?\u201d<\/p>\n

2. Pay attention to how people flock together<\/h3>\n

The one-two-three technique is an internet favorite that instructs you to look for people in ones, twos or threes.<\/p>\n

If two people are standing together, you need a smidgen of reconnaissance: Are they facing each other? Then they\u2019re in a conversation and you\u2019ll be interrupting. Are they in a \u201cV\u201d formation? Then absolutely nothing\u2019s happening and it\u2019s more like they\u2019re two nervous individuals secretly praying someone as charming as you will please come and interrupt them.<\/p>\n

Three or more people together gets interesting and really taxes the ornithologist\u2019s toolset: Are they in a \u201cU\u201d formation? That\u2019s a horseshoe shape and it literally has an opening. Sidle up to the end of either leg of the horseshoe. No one is going to notice. As soon as there\u2019s a natural break in the conversation, gently nudge your neighbor and say, \u201cI missed the beginning of that. Do you mind filling me in?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

If the group is in an \u201cO\u201d formation or a ring, then they\u2019ve circled the wagons and you\u2019re out. Don\u2019t even try.<\/p>\n

3. Rescue a loner<\/h3>\n

If all the wagons are circles, all the duos are facing each other, and you don\u2019t know anyone in the room, look for someone standing alone. Unattached individuals are probably just as shy or reserved as you are and will welcome a rescue. Walk up, stick out your hand and say, \u201cDid you see the size of those shrimp?\u201d<\/em> It doesn\u2019t matter what happens next. You\u2019ve started a conversation. Maybe you end up talking about the new Marvel trailer or how the quality of green gummy bears has gone down in the last 10 years. You got it going, that\u2019s what matters.<\/p>\n

All Talk Is Small Talk<\/h2>\n

This brings us to the second big nightmare of mingling: small talk. Now that you\u2019ve got a target, you have to say something.<\/p>\n

Probably the biggest fear here is the person you talk to doesn\u2019t want to hear anything you have to say. Good news: You\u2019re right.<\/em><\/a> Better news: You\u2019re wrong.<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n

Nearly everyone\u2019s at this gig for the same reason. If it\u2019s networking, they\u2019re in the room to get work. If it\u2019s a cocktail party, they\u2019re in the room to have a drink, hear a good joke and maybe get a phone number. But none of that happens if the two of you don\u2019t start saying words at each other. So take a cue from an adorable 1980s movie: Say anything.<\/em> Really, say any words in the world and, like a wizard casting a spell, an entire conversation will magically appear.<\/p>\n

I know, you\u2019re terrified you\u2019re going to open your mouth and monkeys will fly out. I can assure you, science tells us there\u2019s barely a 1% chance monkeys will fly out of your mouth.<\/a> Words will. Words will tumble out in whatever order they wish, maybe even in the wrong order, and it just doesn\u2019t matter. Once you\u2019ve broken the ice, everything will flow naturally into a conversation.<\/p>\n

You don\u2019t believe me. Try this at the next networking meeting you\u2019re at. Walk up to someone, stick out your hand, and claim, \u201c\u2019Princess Bride\u2019 was a stupid movie.\u201d<\/em> It doesn\u2019t matter if you believe such a ridiculous premise. A conversation will result.<\/p>\n

1. Small talk is awesome<\/h3>\n

See, here\u2019s the thing. You\u2019re very smart. I know this because you passed your LSAT and the state bar exam and can put together a compelling brief.<\/p>\n

Which means you probably hate small talk. It\u2019s the bane of the intelligent. It\u2019s the opposite of Socratic discourse. It\u2019s stupid, churlish and a waste of time, broadly condemned by the National Association of Cranky Curmudgeons. And you\u2019re wrong. Small talk is vital.<\/p>\n

Because you can\u2019t open a conversation with, \u201cHere\u2019s why Umberto Eco\u2019s assertions that 19th-century Parisian intellectual society could sustain varied beliefs in exoteric literature are utter balderdash.\u201d I mean, there are a lot of reasons why that won\u2019t work. Most of all because you\u2019re not wearing a monocle, but also because not everyone in the room has read \u201cThe Prague Cemetery.\u201d<\/p>\n

Small talk leads to big talk. <\/strong>And big talk won\u2019t happen until you and the other person in the conversation are comfortable bringing out your respective lexicons of phenomenological catchphrases and postdoctorate gang signs.<\/p>\n

2. They\u2019re probably going to forget what you say<\/h3>\n

Small talk doesn\u2019t even register in the mind. Think of it as wrapping paper for the gift of a great conversation. It\u2019s shiny and has pictures of Marge Simpson on it, and you\u2019re going to ball it up, throw it away and play with whatever toy came out of the box.<\/p>\n

But if you want to talk strategy with the in-house counsel of that little biopharma firm perched on the edge of everyone else\u2019s business radar, then you\u2019re gonna start by asking them about the weather. It\u2019s not the important part of the conversation, so stop giving it so much power. Shut up and start talking.<\/p>\n

You read the paper (I mean the internet). You know what\u2019s going down in the world. Talk about that [current news item] that [current late-night host] said was [adjective regarding quality].<\/p>\n

3. The Don\u2019ts<\/h3>\n

OK, I know I referenced an unforgettable John Cusack bon mot 10 paragraphs ago, but we\u2019re grown-ups. You can\u2019t literally say anything. You can\u2019t start talking about your collection of celebrity belly button lint, and for God\u2019s sake, don\u2019t use the f-word.<\/p>\n

And don\u2019t talk about politics.<\/a> Don\u2019t talk about religion. Don\u2019t talk about Steve in HR.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t be a sales bot. Don\u2019t lead with your job description. Leave your elevator pitch in the car. Don\u2019t, and I mean this \u2014 I will fight you on this <\/em>\u2014 don\u2019t try to sell anything.<\/p>\n

Mingling, Finish or Fade: The Architecture of the Exit<\/h2>\n

The third pain point of minglehood is getting out of the conversation you worked so hard to get into. You may find yourself now embroiled in a scintillating chat about telomere shortening<\/a> and thinking, \u201cOh my gosh,\u00a0I\u2019m mingling!\u201d <\/strong><\/em>\u2014\u00a0and you are, and your father and I are so proud.<\/em> <\/p>\n

However, there are good reasons why you need to leave.<\/p>\n

You shouldn\u2019t bogart someone\u2019s time. Even if they are incredibly interesting, with an incendiary wit and a captivating old-world charm. Get out.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s even more important to cut off a great conversation than it is to cut off a bad one. I don\u2019t mean cut someone off. Don\u2019t be rude. But if the two of you really click, wait for a natural break and say you have to move on, but you\u2019d like to pick up this delightful conversation another day. Swap cards.<\/p>\n

Of course, sometimes you end up in a dreadful conversation with someone who is dreadfully dreadful. Get out.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t be rude (have I said this before?), but feel free to pull a fade if they\u2019re boorish. When the conversation is meh and not going anywhere, there are proven departure strategies.<\/p>\n

1. Use your wingman<\/h3>\n

This is the buddy system. First of all, let\u2019s presume you have a wingman there. Second, you and your wingman are a party of two and can do a \u201cV\u201d formation to attract wandering minglers. Third, if you work out a signal, like jumping up and down or waving your arms over your head and hooting (yours may differ), then when you find yourself 17 paragraphs into an explanation of supply chain logistics required to move toner boxes from Westchester to Sault Saint Marie, Mich., you can deploy your secret sign like a shipwrecked Freemason and your wingman will swoop in and carry you to the bar.<\/p>\n

2. Ask for their card<\/h3>\n

So simple. It\u2019s why you\u2019re here!<\/em>\u00a0But don\u2019t be a jerk about it. If you say, \u201cI\u2019d love to hear more about grocery store bag patent law. Can I call your office later?\u201d<\/em> that\u2019s their cue to hand you their card<\/a> and your ticket to jet. But keep your word. Call them later. Or at least email.<\/p>\n

3. Go get food<\/h3>\n

Gently interrupt with, \u201cHey, I\u2019m hungry. I\u2019m going to hit the buffet. Can I get you anything?\u201d<\/em> The universal answer to this is no. You walk away with no penalty.<\/p>\n

4. Introduce them out<\/h3>\n

This is a great trick for passing someone off to someone else. If you know anyone nearby, just introduce them and excuse yourself. If you don\u2019t know anyone, do it anyway. Look at any other person and say, \u201cI didn\u2019t catch your name, have you met Marjorie?<\/em>\u201d Then run.<\/p>\n

5. The graceful fade<\/h3>\n

Of course, someone might not be boorish or tiresome, yet you still have to get out of the conversation. Maybe you have a goal. Maybe you caught sight of a colleague. Just be gracious. Use manners. \u201cSean, I just saw someone I need to talk to. If I don\u2019t run into you later on, it was very nice meeting you.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Mingling might remind you too much of your first high school dance, but you can get over it. With practice and determination, you can finally fling yourself fearlessly into a function, walk right up to a V-formation of attorneys, stick out your hand for a shake, and say something like, \u201cHey guys, are the Cubs on a streak or what?\u201d <\/em>(They are not.)<\/p>\n

Whatever it is, say it like a pro.<\/p>\n

More Networking Tips\u00a0on Attorney at Work<\/strong><\/p>\n