In my prior column, I wrote about patience. I spent time on the idea that not every situation resolves on your timeline and that pushing too hard or too fast can do more damage than the problem you are trying to solve.
I want to build on that idea.
There is a specific moment in practice where patience matters most, and it is the moment when the other side walks into the room angry.
Resist The Urge To Respond In Kind
You know the feeling. The email lands and the tone is aggressive. They question your motives. They accuse your organization of acting in bad faith. Your instinct is to match their energy and tone. You want to fire back. You want to show them you will not be pushed around. Here is what I have learned. When you match someone’s energy you are playing on their field. If they come in hot, they are telling you something about their position and not yours. Anger often signals fear or uncertainty. Your job is to hear the signal underneath the noise.
If you match the heat, you do nothing but stoke a raging fire. When you take the heat out of it and respond calmly and factually, you change the dynamic entirely.
Give Them The Floor
One of the most powerful de-escalation moves is counterintuitive. You give the other side more time to talk than you take. When people feel heard they start to shift. It does not always happen right away, but the act of being listened to changes the posture of a conversation. It moves people from adversarial to collaborative and sometimes they do not even notice it happening.
This means structuring the conversation so they get most of the time. You prepare your remarks. You keep them tight and then you listen. You will learn more from their 45 minutes than they will learn from your five. I have been in rooms where the turning point was not something I said. It was the space I created for the other side to say what they needed to say. Once they said it, we could start working.
Build On Their Work
When the other side puts a proposal on the table the temptation is to tear it down and start over. You want to show them how it should have been done. I would encourage you to resist that.
Take their framework. Preserve their language where you can and add what is missing. When someone sees their own words with your additions layered in they are psychologically closer to yes than if you hand them a completely new document. I have found that the fastest path to agreement is to treat the other side’s draft as the starting point even when it is not where it needs to be. You build on it. You let them see that you took their work seriously. You then have a conversation about the gaps.
Frame Your Ask As Their Interest
Every request you make should be something the other side can explain to their client without feeling like they lost. There is a difference between “we need this” and “this protects both of us.” There is a difference between “your draft is inadequate” and “we think adding this clarity prevents a dispute down the road.” The substance can be the same. The framing determines whether you get a yes or a fight.
One reframing I have used goes like this. “We are not asking for something new. We are asking that this agreement not take away something that already exists.” That single sentence changed the trajectory of a negotiation. The other side stops defending and starts problem-solving.
Structure Creates Calm
When a situation is volatile, structure is your best tool. You set an agenda. You define who speaks and when. You put time limits on the conversation. These are not bureaucratic exercises. It is scaffolding that keeps a difficult conversation from becoming an unproductive one.
People behave differently when they know the rules of the room. An agenda tells everyone what to expect. A defined speaking order prevents the loudest voice from dominating. A time limit creates urgency without panic. I have watched disorganized meetings spiral into personal attacks. That rarely happens in a well-structured meeting.
The Long Game
De-escalation is not about being soft. It is about being deliberate. You can be firm on substance and measured in tone. You can hold the line on what matters and still make the other side feel respected. Those two things are not in conflict.
The agreement you reach today is not the last agreement. The opposing counsel you work with this month may be across the table again next year. The way you conduct yourself in the hard moments determines whether the next conversation starts from trust or from suspicion. You can get the right result and still leave the relationship intact. You can protect your organization and still treat the other side like professionals. That is the long game. The lawyers who play it are the ones who keep getting called back into the room.
The temperature in the room is your responsibility. Lower it, and you will be surprised at how much gets done.
Lisa Lang is an accomplished in-house lawyer and thought leader dedicated to empowering fellow legal professionals. She offers insights and resources tailored for in-house counsel through her website and blog, Why This, Not That™ (www.lawyerlisalang.com). Lisa actively engages with the legal community via LinkedIn, sharing her expertise and fostering meaningful connections. You can reach her at lisa@lawyerlisalang.com, connect on LinkedIn (https://www.linkedin.com/in/lawyerlisalang/).
The post The Temperature In The Room Is Your Responsibility appeared first on Above the Law.
In my prior column, I wrote about patience. I spent time on the idea that not every situation resolves on your timeline and that pushing too hard or too fast can do more damage than the problem you are trying to solve.
I want to build on that idea.
There is a specific moment in practice where patience matters most, and it is the moment when the other side walks into the room angry.
Resist The Urge To Respond In Kind
You know the feeling. The email lands and the tone is aggressive. They question your motives. They accuse your organization of acting in bad faith. Your instinct is to match their energy and tone. You want to fire back. You want to show them you will not be pushed around. Here is what I have learned. When you match someone’s energy you are playing on their field. If they come in hot, they are telling you something about their position and not yours. Anger often signals fear or uncertainty. Your job is to hear the signal underneath the noise.
If you match the heat, you do nothing but stoke a raging fire. When you take the heat out of it and respond calmly and factually, you change the dynamic entirely.
Give Them The Floor
One of the most powerful de-escalation moves is counterintuitive. You give the other side more time to talk than you take. When people feel heard they start to shift. It does not always happen right away, but the act of being listened to changes the posture of a conversation. It moves people from adversarial to collaborative and sometimes they do not even notice it happening.
This means structuring the conversation so they get most of the time. You prepare your remarks. You keep them tight and then you listen. You will learn more from their 45 minutes than they will learn from your five. I have been in rooms where the turning point was not something I said. It was the space I created for the other side to say what they needed to say. Once they said it, we could start working.
Build On Their Work
When the other side puts a proposal on the table the temptation is to tear it down and start over. You want to show them how it should have been done. I would encourage you to resist that.
Take their framework. Preserve their language where you can and add what is missing. When someone sees their own words with your additions layered in they are psychologically closer to yes than if you hand them a completely new document. I have found that the fastest path to agreement is to treat the other side’s draft as the starting point even when it is not where it needs to be. You build on it. You let them see that you took their work seriously. You then have a conversation about the gaps.
Frame Your Ask As Their Interest
Every request you make should be something the other side can explain to their client without feeling like they lost. There is a difference between “we need this” and “this protects both of us.” There is a difference between “your draft is inadequate” and “we think adding this clarity prevents a dispute down the road.” The substance can be the same. The framing determines whether you get a yes or a fight.
One reframing I have used goes like this. “We are not asking for something new. We are asking that this agreement not take away something that already exists.” That single sentence changed the trajectory of a negotiation. The other side stops defending and starts problem-solving.
Structure Creates Calm
When a situation is volatile, structure is your best tool. You set an agenda. You define who speaks and when. You put time limits on the conversation. These are not bureaucratic exercises. It is scaffolding that keeps a difficult conversation from becoming an unproductive one.
People behave differently when they know the rules of the room. An agenda tells everyone what to expect. A defined speaking order prevents the loudest voice from dominating. A time limit creates urgency without panic. I have watched disorganized meetings spiral into personal attacks. That rarely happens in a well-structured meeting.
The Long Game
De-escalation is not about being soft. It is about being deliberate. You can be firm on substance and measured in tone. You can hold the line on what matters and still make the other side feel respected. Those two things are not in conflict.
The agreement you reach today is not the last agreement. The opposing counsel you work with this month may be across the table again next year. The way you conduct yourself in the hard moments determines whether the next conversation starts from trust or from suspicion. You can get the right result and still leave the relationship intact. You can protect your organization and still treat the other side like professionals. That is the long game. The lawyers who play it are the ones who keep getting called back into the room.
The temperature in the room is your responsibility. Lower it, and you will be surprised at how much gets done.
Lisa Lang is an accomplished in-house lawyer and thought leader dedicated to empowering fellow legal professionals. She offers insights and resources tailored for in-house counsel through her website and blog, Why This, Not That™ (www.lawyerlisalang.com). Lisa actively engages with the legal community via LinkedIn, sharing her expertise and fostering meaningful connections. You can reach her at [email protected], connect on LinkedIn (https://www.linkedin.com/in/lawyerlisalang/).
