As a family law attorney, I have represented clients in countless divorces and helped clients navigate the divorce process. Although I was their legal advocate, I never truly felt capable of managing clients’ issues when it came to the emotional part of divorce.
My clients were feeling the trauma of divorce: feeling confused, intimidated, overwhelmed and anxious. After several years of needing a change, I made it a priority to help clients sort through the emotional part of divorce, become more involved in their own cases, and thrive in the post-divorce transition once the lawyers and judges were out of the picture. I knew I had to reinvent the divorce experience by providing support to my clients, as well as guidance, focus, and tools for a peaceful transformation.
I became a certified divorce coach and today, my practice is devoted to helping those who are simply overwhelmed by the divorce process and ready to gain clarity, confidence, and the ability to move forward with grace.
In the world of divorce coaching, dealing with a spouse’s (or former spouse’s) new romantic relationship is a typical issue we talk through. This situation can arise at any stage in a divorce – and even if you, yourself, have moved on romantically, this is still an emotionally overwhelming circumstance. Enter all the emotions: betrayal, pain, regret, disbelief, sadness, frustration, anger, jealousy, resentment… just to name a few. Here are some tips I offer during coaching sessions to help my clients when their spouse’s new relationship is causing them apprehension.
Forgive – and it’s absolutely OK if you don’t forget.
Your goal should be, at some point, to be happy for your spouse – but hey, I get it… We’re not there yet, not even close. Forgiveness will be a step that is necessary before you can be happy for your spouse. It is super important to remember that forgiveness is not about any sort of reconciliation or excusing someone’s foolish decisions. Forgiveness is 100% about finding peace for YOU and your healing in this process. While we are still allowed to feel anger (and all those other feelings listed above!), forgiveness helps us learn to maintain control of those emotions, and therefore continue to make good, sound decisions. Acknowledging our feelings is paramount, if you feel “anger” and “jealousy” then say to yourself, “It is completely normal to feel angry and jealous right now.” Continuing to practice acknowledgement in order to take power away from those particular emotions.
The “Replacement.”
No matter how serious your spouse is about his or her new partner, it’s important to remember that this new partner is NOT your replacement. The most important takeaway is that you shouldn’t compare yourself to the new partner. Some common pitfalls would be questioning what the partner has that you don’t or even trying to find more information about the partner on social media. Let’s take this time to focus on yourself, your unique and amazing qualities, and your continued roadmap to happiness.
Remembering Why.
Take a deep breath here, and REMEMBER. The decision to divorce was not some half-baked idea you had one day. You made this decision because you and your spouse had reached a point where there was no way to save the marriage, and you were no longer a fit for each other. You are on the path to finally living your life and ensuring the happiness you had gone without for some time. When negative feelings start to fill your brain, it’s so important to remember the reasons you have chosen to move forward. You thoughtfully considered the many reasons to divorce – what were they again? If your anxiety comes from a situation where your spouse has unexpectedly jumped into the dating world, this is just another reason that validates your reasons for moving forward with a divorce.
Last, put yourself FIRST.
It is so important to continue to do things, each and every day, that bring you joy. Prioritizing self-care helps to reduce stress and manage your emotions, especially in this situation. As you make time to celebrate even the smallest milestones, do something wonderful for yourself every day. If you need some ideas: take a long walk on a nature trail or beach, try a new restaurant, attend a concert, get a massage, join a support group, surround yourself with people who make you feel amazing. Say, “NO” when you’re feeling overwhelmed, and say, “YES, WHY NOT?!” a little, too!
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