House Judiciary Committee Holds First Impeachment Inquiry Hearing

(Photo by Saul Loeb-Pool/Getty Images)

Donald Trump is assembling the greatest team of trolls the world has ever seen. This afternoon he announced the nomination of Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz to be attorney general.

Of the United States.

Of America.

It is my Great Honor to announce that Congressman Matt Gaetz, of Florida, is hereby nominated to be The Attorney General of the United States. Matt is a deeply gifted and tenacious attorney, trained at the William & Mary College of Law, who has distinguished himself in Congress through his focus on achieving desperately needed reform at the Department of Justice. Few issues in America are more important than ending the partisan Weaponization of our Justice System. Matt will end Weaponized Government, protect our Borders, dismantle Criminal Organizations and restore Americans’ badly-shattered Faith and Confidence in the Justice Department. On the House Judiciary Committee, which performs oversight of DOJ, Matt played a key role in defeating the Russia, Russia, Russia Hoax, and exposing alarming and systemic Government Corruption and Weaponization. He is a Champion for the Constitution and the Rule of Law…

Armed with nothing more than a JD and an unshakable belief that Donald Trump should be allowed to do crimes, the Florida congressman aims to become the highest law enforcement officer in the land. Sure he doesn’t appear to have ever tried a case in federal court; nor is he a member of any federal bar. And he did get reprimanded by the Florida State Bar for unprofessional conduct after he attempted to intimidate Michael Cohen by falsely implying that he’d engaged in an extramarital affair. But Gaetz did practice for a few years at a civil litigation firm in Florida, so he’s got a big leg up on that Garland guy, with his federal clerkships, his leadership in the prosecutions of the Unabomber and the Oklahoma City Bomber, and his years on the DC Circuit. What a relief that the DOJ will finally be in safe hands!

Although perhaps Gaetz’s staff would be wise to steer clear of those hands, since Gaetz has been in the center of investigations involving sex parties with minors for years. His colleagues in Congress report that he would often subject them to to naked images on his phone of women he claimed to have had sex with. On the plus side, that House Ethics investigation is probably over! And maybe someone at Main Justice can finally show Rep. Horndog how to lock down his Venmo.

Perhaps this is why Trump is demanding the right to recess appoint half the executive branch — some of these stinkers might not even pass muster in a 54-46 Senate. But the night is still young. Perhaps we can get Don Jr as head of the Office of National Drug Control Policy. Catturd as Secretary of Agriculture?

We are all accelerationists now.

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore where she produces the Law and Chaos substack and podcast.