Post-Apocalyptic Law: How Lawyers Can Hit the Ground Running After the Fall of Western Civilization

Bull Garlington | Learn to practice law in dystopian scenarios.
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Get your Post-Apocalyptic Law CLE. Learn to practice law in dystopian scenarios! Meet the moment with courses covering fuel wars, Matrix rights and extraterrestrial disputes!

You may have looked at the news lately and thought, “Maybe the preppers are right.” We seem to be hurling into the teeth of the blahpocalypse — a nightmarish realm of system failure, rapacious greed, income inequality, and a sort of proactive disavowment of intellectualism that appears to be greasing the rails, sending all of us screaming into a New Dark Age.

Which begs the question: “How will I practice law after the fall of civilization?“

Fortunately, we here at Attorney at Work have a fully staffed Department of IDK devoted to this very type of thing. For your edification, we have produced a course syllabus loaded with dystopian scenarios, soon available from your local continuing legal educational provider.

Which begs the question: “How will I get CLE credit?”

Listen, you’ve trained for this. You are already a fully jacked Dwayne Johnson-esque bureaucratic luchador body-slamming your way through the state bar’s byzantine maze to qualify for CLE credit. So you’ll have no problem navigating the tortuous labyrinth leading to the cruel academic underworld to qualify for POST APOCALYPTIC CONTINUING LEGAL EDUCATION CREDIT.

Post Apocalyptic Law CLE Syllabus

Fossil Fuel Distribution and Refiner’s Rights in the Mad Max Muscle Car Hellscape, for Rare Earth IP and Natural Resources Attorneys

Navigating this fossil fuel-forward future where the coin of the realm is gasoline may be scary, so you’ll need to rethink rights frameworks. It wouldn’t hurt to hire a handful of SMEs on manufacturing standards in an infernal desert wasteland littered with burned-out Chevrolets and the bones of the weak. What percentage, for instance, of denatured rattlesnake venom can one add to a fuel mixture before it can’t be sold as fuel but becomes, instead, a delightful aperitif? And if the party of the first part adds dehydrated possum drool to the fuel they’re selling to the party of the second part, is one within rights to refer to it as an “organic stabilizing element”? IP law in the new apocalypse will require a new approach. And possibly RPGs for enforcement.

Power to the People: Individual Rights When We’re All Just Batteries in the Matrix Universe, for Civil Rights Advocates

First of all, take the blue pill. Second, that pill is covered by insurance since you work as a battery for The Machines. Taught by James “Agent” Smith, this class will walk you through the basics of representing people who’ve recently discovered they are living in a late ’90s NYC simulation. Topics include voltage, jack maintenance and security, subterranean property rights, and underground hippie drum circle dance party contracts. Breakout sessions will explore reintegration policies and processes for when your client surveys the cataclysmic crapscape of the Matrix future and screams “PUT ME BACK IN!“

Tentacles and Tenants’ Rights: Arbitration for Extraterrestrials, for Galactic Immigration Lawyers

Fermi’s Paradox is blown apart when an armada of squishy aliens parks their spaceships on the White House Lawn. They need a place to hang while their planet is rehabbed, which brings us to landlord-tenant relations, renter’s insurance, tentacle replacement costs, slime removal, and local ordinances. (All the signs need to include sub-Flermian honorifics, and since these aliens are allergic to the number seven, that has to go, or they’ll go into a sneezing fit, and then we’re back to slime removal). Do squatters’ rights apply to space aliens?

Ethics and Customer Service in the Cult of Karen: How to Talk to the Manager when the Manager is a Skull-bedecked Warlord Soccer Mom on Crack

This class tests your negotiation skills through a collection of scenarios wherein you, a post-apocalyptic desert warrior, find yourself in a burned-out Target looking for a new compound bow and a hatchet. In scenario A, a clerk walks up to you and says, “Ma’am, we’re gonna need you to use headphones if you’re gonna listen to early ’80s Ska.” Obviously, you give the ritualistic response of your people, “I’d like to talk to your manager.” You are then escorted to the killing floor where you and a third-shift supervisor named Steve fill your fists with rusty machetes and shields made from the hubcap of a 1974 Dodge Charger. Course director, Dr. Professor Carole “Yes, I am recording this” Karen walks you through hand-to-hand negotiating techniques with bonus material, including her secret recipe for squirrel jerky.

Welcome to the Nerdiverse: Reading Robert’s Rules of Disorder

Probably the most likely dystopian future is one in which grammar Nazis and policy wags take over simply because no one else showed up to vote in an HOA meeting. This class covers change management for control freaks, how to be persnickety, outlying uses of the Oxford comma, single spacing after a period, proper implementation of the Cambridge semi-colon, how to second a motion quickly before Steve (because that MF always seconds a motion first and it pisses you off), seating arrangements for psychopaths, competitive gaveling, and post-crash best practices for bullet points. With real bullets.

FAQs for Post-Apocalyptic Law Courses

Yes. Team discounts are available for AI agents.

Yes. The slides will be available AFTER the session, Barbara!

No. You can’t ‘seventh’ a motion, James.

Yes. Most schools will accept squirrel jerky in lieu of gasoline for payment.

Yes. Leonard, you may write your thesis in the blood of your enemies as long as they aren’t the enemies in this class.

Yes. It is a very lovely day.

No. You can’t ‘eighth’ a motion, James.

Yes. We can hear you, Steve.

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