You have the right to remain silent, Alan Dershowitz.
No one is making you run to the Wall Street Journal and remind us again that you are up to your underpants — which you never took off! — in the Jeffrey Epstein mess.
Four years ago, when Dersh was a sprightly 81-year-old, we opined that someone who loved him should take his phone and throw it into the ocean. Quick! Do it now, while he’s weeping in the waves that no one wants to join him for a no-pants picnic at his favorite nude beach on Martha’s Vineyard!
If this guy would just STFU for ten minutes, maybe people would forget about the role he played in getting Epstein that disgraceful plea deal in Florida. Or that Dersh characterized Epstein’s child victims as prostitutes. Or that he engaged in a years-long flame war with one of those victims, the late Virginia Giuffre, and her lawyer, David Boies.
Sadly, it was not meant to be.
Instead Dersh spent the past four years selling himself as some kind of apostate liberal and shilling for pillow pumping loons like Mike Lindell. So it’s not exactly surprising that at the very moment the flames of the scandal threaten to engulf the Trump administration, the professor is racing in from stage right, stripping down to his skivvies and diving into the fire.
The WSJ piece promises “The Inside Scoop on Jeffrey Epstein.”
“I was his lawyer. I know things that court orders won’t allow me to disclose,” he vamps in the subhed.
But like an aging burlesque dancer, he leans heavy into winking titillation, covering up the bits that might offend his viewers’ delicate sensibilities.
Dershowitz says there is no “client list,” and also no one you know is on it:
Epstein never created a “client list.” The FBI interviewed alleged victims who named several “clients.” These names have been redacted. They should be disclosed but the courts have ordered them sealed. I know who they are. They don’t include any current officeholders.
Last week, the DOJ said that “The files relating to Epstein include a large volume of images of Epstein, images and videos of victims who are either minors or appear to be minors, and over ten thousand downloaded videos and images of illegal child sex abuse material and other pornography.” But Dersh says that the only tapes “are of public areas of his Palm Beach, Fla., home,” and the camera was installed by cops after a burglary. He did not say when he made this discovery.
Dershowitz says that President Trump is pure and innocent, Epstein was never a Mossad agent according to “my sources in Israel,” and the notorious pedophile probably killed himself after being deliberately left alone by his jailers.
He did not repeat his prior tirade against age of consent laws.
Instead he tut-tutted about “gossip mongers” annoyed when “stubborn facts (or the absence of facts) get in the way of a juicy theory.”
“Sorry to disappoint you, but there is really nothing much to see here, beyond what has already been disclosed,” he concluded, reminding us all that he’s got nothing to say, and he’s going to keep saying it in our faces as long as he’s able.
Liz Dye lives in Baltimore where she produces the Law and Chaos substack and podcast.
The post Alan Dershowitz Reprises Role As Captain Underpants appeared first on Above the Law.
You have the right to remain silent, Alan Dershowitz.
No one is making you run to the Wall Street Journal and remind us again that you are up to your underpants — which you never took off! — in the Jeffrey Epstein mess.
Four years ago, when Dersh was a sprightly 81-year-old, we opined that someone who loved him should take his phone and throw it into the ocean. Quick! Do it now, while he’s weeping in the waves that no one wants to join him for a no-pants picnic at his favorite nude beach on Martha’s Vineyard!
If this guy would just STFU for ten minutes, maybe people would forget about the role he played in getting Epstein that disgraceful plea deal in Florida. Or that Dersh characterized Epstein’s child victims as prostitutes. Or that he engaged in a years-long flame war with one of those victims, the late Virginia Giuffre, and her lawyer, David Boies.
Sadly, it was not meant to be.
Instead Dersh spent the past four years selling himself as some kind of apostate liberal and shilling for pillow pumping loons like Mike Lindell. So it’s not exactly surprising that at the very moment the flames of the scandal threaten to engulf the Trump administration, the professor is racing in from stage right, stripping down to his skivvies and diving into the fire.
The WSJ piece promises “The Inside Scoop on Jeffrey Epstein.”
“I was his lawyer. I know things that court orders won’t allow me to disclose,” he vamps in the subhed.
But like an aging burlesque dancer, he leans heavy into winking titillation, covering up the bits that might offend his viewers’ delicate sensibilities.
Dershowitz says there is no “client list,” and also no one you know is on it:
Epstein never created a “client list.” The FBI interviewed alleged victims who named several “clients.” These names have been redacted. They should be disclosed but the courts have ordered them sealed. I know who they are. They don’t include any current officeholders.
Last week, the DOJ said that “The files relating to Epstein include a large volume of images of Epstein, images and videos of victims who are either minors or appear to be minors, and over ten thousand downloaded videos and images of illegal child sex abuse material and other pornography.” But Dersh says that the only tapes “are of public areas of his Palm Beach, Fla., home,” and the camera was installed by cops after a burglary. He did not say when he made this discovery.
Dershowitz says that President Trump is pure and innocent, Epstein was never a Mossad agent according to “my sources in Israel,” and the notorious pedophile probably killed himself after being deliberately left alone by his jailers.
He did not repeat his prior tirade against age of consent laws.
Instead he tut-tutted about “gossip mongers” annoyed when “stubborn facts (or the absence of facts) get in the way of a juicy theory.”
“Sorry to disappoint you, but there is really nothing much to see here, beyond what has already been disclosed,” he concluded, reminding us all that he’s got nothing to say, and he’s going to keep saying it in our faces as long as he’s able.
Liz Dye lives in Baltimore where she produces the Law and Chaos substack and podcast.
