It’s not a good look.
The post Reminder: Stop Gossiping About Your Coworkers’ Fertility appeared first on Above the Law.
As much as any other workplace, attorneys at law firms sometimes need to be reminded about the basics of polite interactions. Over at Ask A Manager, Alison Green recently answered a question from an associate at a boutique law firm. The associate attended a work event with colleagues, and she did not drink alcohol. That led to speculation that the letter writer was forgoing drinking because she’s pregnant. And it became a whole thing.
When we left dinner, one of the colleagues, Sara, asked me outright if this was true. I asked her why she would think that and explained that I wasn’t drinking because I was going to a big party tomorrow, and drinking two nights in a row is just too much for me.
Another colleague, Rose, cornered me and said that she heard I was pregnant. I asked where she heard something like that, and she proceeded to tell me all the associates was talking about it, she heard I was “trying,” and she thought it better to go straight to the source than just speculate. Rose has been very open about her own fertility issues, so I found her questions absolutely shocking. I told her that if I have something to announce, she’d hear about it. I repeated to her that I was going to a party tomorrow and didn’t want to drink two nights in a row. Sara, standing nearby, said, “You don’t have to explain yourself.” Which … apparently is not the case!
Rose proceeded to remind me that if our boss found out by way of gossip, he would be livid. Great.
That feels pretty icky. No one should be forced to disclose the details of their reproductive choices before they’re ready. And, in this specific case, it’s complicated because the letter writer actually *is* pregnant, but she’s early in the process and not at the sharing stage yet.
Green’s response is appropriately indignant, which makes sense, since the letter writer’s colleagues are out of pocket.
Not only is it rude and invasive to speculate on whether someone is pregnant, let alone confront them to ask them about it (and no, Rose, it’s not better to “go straight to the source”), but it’s also ridiculous to assume someone is pregnant just because they’re not drinking. There are a ton of reasons someone might not be drinking on any given occasion: your own reason of not wanting to drink two nights in a row, or they’re on a medicine that prevents it, or they’re trying to drink less, or they’re driving later, or they didn’t eat a lot today and don’t want to drink on an empty stomach, or they prefer not to lower their inhibitions at work events, or they just don’t feel like it.
It’s bizarre that your coworkers care so much. Even if they see drinking together as an enjoyable bonding ritual at work conferences, it’s extremely weird to be so put off that someone else doesn’t feel like it — and I wonder if you not drinking made them feel defensive about how much they were all drinking, given that you described them as “VERY drunk.” Some people get like that.
Just a reminder — a law degree doesn’t stop some people from being gossipy and invasive.
Kathryn Rubino is a Senior Editor at Above the Law, host of The Jabot podcast, and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. AtL tipsters are the best, so please connect with her. Feel free to email her with any tips, questions, or comments and follow her on Twitter @Kathryn1 or Mastodon @[email protected].
